Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
