As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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