We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
