I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He kissed a someone with a penis
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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