She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
