Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i think im in europe. pls send help
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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