Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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