He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
