he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
