I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
