Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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