I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
