Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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