well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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