Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
