It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
