listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
