apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
