As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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