: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
