I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
