What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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