Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
