some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
