she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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