I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
