I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
