the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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