Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
