First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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