I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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