Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
