He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
