woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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