im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
