My hand turned me down
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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