Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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