How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
