So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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