I'm gonna have a badass scar
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
