I met the friendliest cop last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
as a side note pls kill me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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