My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
