Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
