im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
