Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
