I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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