What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
