finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize