I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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