Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
