Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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