You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize