u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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