im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
