'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
