dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I skipped work to stalk him.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
