Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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