if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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