you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
