Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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