I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
